A journey I never choose.

Have you ever taken a trip that you wished you didn't have to be a part of?  Have you ever thought that you would never get to your destination?  I remember taking trips each summer with my family when I was younger.  We were constantly asking that age old question......"Are we there yet?"
Well that is a little of what I have felt like for the past 11 months.   My journey began in March of 2013.  It was a journey that I never ask for,  nor desired to be a part of.  However, when you are told by a physician that you have Cancer, the trip has already been decided for you.  What is expected of you is to jump on board, hold on tight and endure the ride.  And so I did.

I have a faith based belief.  I am a child of God, who believes that God has my best interests at heart.  I trust His wisdom explicitly.   I never questioned my disease.  I never got angry at Him for allowing this ugly thing to invade my body and my life.  I just accepted the diagnosis and decided if this was the path He expected me to walk, then I would walk it with dignity.  I did, however try to barter with Him just a little.  I told Him that if I walked this road that He asked of me...would He make sure that it brought Him glory?

I am glad that I was a bit ignorant of the path that I would have to walk though.  Although I researched the disease thoroughly, there were still things that took me by surprise.  Things I had to endure that I never expected.  I am blessed in that I had a very strong support system.  My husband and children were always there for me, whether physically, or with  words of encouragement.
  With my husband working over seas, my oldest daughter became the person who accompanied me to all of my doctor visits, my treatments and my surgeries.  She was my ears and eyes ...who took in all the knowledge that I found I couldn't quite contain completely.  She had the ability to think things through and look at things a bit more objectively than I did at times.  I am thankful for her giving heart.  I don't know what I would of done without her being with me each time I was given another piece of news that I didn't like.  She kept me calm and grounded.

The toughest part of walking out my diagnosis was loosing my hair.  In the back of my mind, I knew that Cancer patients lost their hair.  They all do.  I just never put two and two together, not realizing it would happen to me too.    When I was told I would have the toughest form of Chemotherapy.... it suddenly dawned on me..... I.was.going.to.loose.my. hair.
 I remember asking my Oncologist, "Am I going to loose my hair??"  To which she very matter of factually replied, "Yes.  All of it."  What a blow!  I actually felt the wind being knocked out of me.  To the average person, loosing your hair would be a hard pill to swallow....but to a veteran hair stylist.....who insists on doing her own hair because she doesn't trust anyone else to do it right, it was the worst news you could possibly hear.  I cried. I panicked.   Then I calmly pulled myself together, took a deep breath and said, "Ok."  I knew that it wouldn't happen immediately.  Research told me that it could happen 2 weeks after the first Chemo treatment, or 2 months out.  I braced myself for the worst.  Or so I thought.

I choose to go to a recommended hairstylist and get a short spunky hair cut.  (first professional one I had paid for in over 10 years!)   I decided to go pretty short.  The less long hair I had to contend with falling out the better.  I loved the look, and thought, why have I never done this before?  I began to see some upside to this thing called Cancer.  I decided to become adventurous...knowing I had nothing to loose.  (Except my hair.)

And so the journey began.  My first treatment wasn't too hard, but did tire me out.  I will never say that Chemo is easy....because it certainly is not.  Not really knowing how it would affect me left me guessing the first week.  I never had any affects of nausea...thank the Lord!  My worst side affect was extreme exhaustion.  Some days I didn't even have the energy to walk from the couch to the kitchen.  The other side affect that became something I dreaded was my not tasting my food.  I had the taste of tin in my mouth for about 2 weeks after each treatment.

My hair began to fall out at 2 weeks post-first treatment.  I tried not to notice.  Tried not to see the hair in my brush.....or the hair on my pillow case....or in the shower.  But it was there.  I talked to a very good friend of mine who is also a hairstylist and asked her to come to my home when I was ready and shave my head for me.  She is such an encourager!  She told me to just call..she would be there when I needed her.

As time went on....the loss became more and more each time I styled my hair.  Eventually, I couldn't ignore it any longer.  I called my friend and ask her to come that afternoon.  She said she would be there.  I panicked and called her back and said to wait!  I wasn't ready.

The next day, the fall out was so severe that I knew there was no use waiting any longer.  Even wearing hats, there was very little hair that you could see.  Whether I was "ready" or not, it was time to take the next step.  I don't mind telling you that I broke down and cried like a baby.  I cried till I had no tears left.  Bald.  No hair.  Cancer.  It was real now.  Reality.  I prayed and the Lord met me right where I was.  He told me He understood.  He told me that it was a process...that one day I would look back and it would only be a memory.  The peace of God surrounded me.

My friend came and shaved my head.  We done it in stages....using a #2 guard....then a # 1 and then a flat guard.  She was very patient with me.   And I found that I was going to be ok.
   I had purchased 2 wigs...determined to look as normal as possible.  I shaped and cut them to match my features and wore them out in public.  I also wore some scarfs on my head, but much preferred the wigs.    I was ready.  My hubby even shaved his head in honor of my journey! 

Each treatment became harder than the last.  By the time I got to the 4th one, they ran an ultra sound to see the progress of the lump.  It had shrunk to smaller than half of the original size!!  I was ecstatic!  My Oncologist told me in the beginning that I would need 4 to 6 treatments.  I was sooooo sure that I would only have to have 4 now that the lump had shrunk to such a small size.  WRONG.  Upon asking if 4 was enough, I was laughed at by her assistant whom I had seen that day.  Her comment was..."NO.......and you all try to get out of treatment too soon.  She said she was sorry, but I would have to have all 6 treatments."  What a blow.  I had convinced myself that I was done.  I was not.
By the 5th treatment, I was not very happy.  I went to my treatment an angry girl.  I did not want to do it all over again.  By the 3rd week after a treatment I would start to feel like myself again.  To have to go back and do it all over again was the LAST thing I wanted to do.  I asked my oldest daughter who accompanied me, "Can I just call in sick?"  Her comment was, "Mama, you ARE sick.  You can't call in sick."  So one more treatment down.  By the 6th one, I was chomping at the bit to get it over with!  The days in the treatment room sometimes would last anywhere from 4 to 8 hours, depending on the activity in the hospital that day.  I prayed and asked God to please let things go well.....and let this be a short 4 hour day.  And He did.  When the beeper went off stating that the treatment was done, I told my treatment nurse to "hurry up and get this IV out of me!!!!"  When she removed it, I don't mind telling you that I done a happy dance right there in the room!

My 11 hour surgery was next.  Bilateral mastectomy with bilateral reconstruction.  The surgery went well.  Recovery went well.  I was told by my Surgeon that it would take a year before I would feel like a normal person again.  I thought to myself... I will never be normal again.  This experience has changed me for the rest of my life.  But I understood what he mean't.  It would take a year for me to fully recover. 

It has been 11 months. ....... 6 Chemo treatments. .......and 5 Surgeries.   Life is getting back to "normal."  It has been a long journey.  And each day is one more day to be thankful for living and being healthy.  I don't take that for granted any more.  I know that life can change in a moment.

And my hair is growing back!  I have discovered that the longer it gets...the curlier it becomes.  I look at myself in the mirror and I think of my father.  :)  He had curly/wavy hair.  Now mine is too.  It took some time to become brave enough to be seen in public without the wig.  I am tired of hiding behind it.  It served it's purpose while I was bald....but I am ready to face the new me. 

As the days become months, I will look forward to the changes that will come as it grows back out.  I have tons of options of what to do with it!  I think that I will choose to make even this phase of my journey an adventure!