Just a bump

It is one of those nights when I cannot sleep.  I try.....only to toss and turn.  So I turn on the light and rise, grab my computer and open up ITunes.  I have a favorite song right now.  One that was sang at my church 2 weeks ago when I was there.  It is Darlene Zschech's #RevealingJesus Project.  What a powerful song!  Friends that I was sitting with told me after the service that the the whole morning was totally for me!  That song was the very first one that opened the mornings worship service. From the very beginning ..God was washing over me with His infinite grace and promises!

I have had a couple of days of events that have tested me.  If I shared with you the things that have transpired in the last week...you would shake your head.  Mainly because the things that have happened have been my own fault.  LOL  I blame it on Chemo brain. :)  No really....for those of you who have experienced Chemo therapy....know it is true.  Sometimes the things I do amaze even me.....level headed.....calm.....not so much the past few days.  I can laugh now.....easier when the catastrophes has passed.  :)

God has shown me a few things though.  Number one.......never take for granted the blessings in your life.   There is an old saying...you never know what you got till it's gone.   I have experienced a few of the "gone" things.   But I know that "things" are just that....things.   Though they can bring you great convenience, once they are gone, they can be replaced.  Sometimes at a cost though.

My hair loss was the hardest thing I have been through.  Being a hairdresser by trade, being told that I would loose all of mine was a blow!  I have never questioned my cancer.  I have never questioned God why?  I have had a peace that He was going to walk this journey with me. 
 But loosing my hair??......that was a BIG one!  I remember feeling a panic.....feeling vulnerable and fearful of just what that would mean for me. I remember crying in my Oncologist's office.....and quickly recovering myself.  My daughter was instantly there to comfort me.  She, of all people, knows what "hair" means to me!   
 I have been a hairdresser since I turned 18.  I had my license 2 weeks out of high school.  I haven't always worked in a salon, but have always kept my license current.  I loved my job when I worked full time.  There is nothing like taking a lady who walked into my cubicle,  who felt ugly and un-attractive and transforming her into someone she could feel good about! To have the power to bring a smile to her face is a feeling I will never get tired of!   A woman's hair (and often a man's as well) is their crowning glory!  It can change a person's whole opinion of themselves.  It truly is a vital part of who we are.

I was told that 2 to 4 weeks after my first Chemo treatment I would begin to experience the loss of my hair.  I didn't panic right away....and tried to come to terms with what that would mean for me.  My oldest daughter told me to make it an adventure.  OK... I thought.  I can do that. :)   Wigs have never been my thing...but maybe it could become something that I could have fun with.  I went to a hairdresser. (the first one in 7 years!) and had my hair cut into a short sassy style.

  I then went to wig shops and tried on wigs that resembled my own hair cut.  I bought one....brought it home and "tweeked" it to fit my face and head shape.  I was pretty pleased with the look.  I put it on the wig stand and let it stay there until that dreadful day that I would need to actually use it!

Three weeks in I began to loose small bits of hair.  As the days progressed it became more and more.  I would stare at the sink and look at the amount collected there and think to myself......soon.  Soon it will be time to accept the fact that I will be bald......all of my hair gone.   I had called my dear friend who is also a hairdresser that I not only worked with but have become best friends with.  I asked her when it was time, would she come to my house and shave my head for me....help me through the transition.  She of course said she would. I hung on till I couldn't hang on any more.
 

It was time.  I was covered in hair each time I showered.  The brush was filled with each stroke.  I sat in a chair in my living room and cried.  For the first time since getting my diagnosis, I sobbed.  I cried until I had no tears left.  I accepted what I could not control.  I was going to be bald.....all of my hair gone.  I called my friend.  I asked her to come by my home the next day....and told her it was time.  She was very compassionate....asking me if I was sure?  I told her yes.  But the next day, I chickened out.  I told her I needed another day.   She said, "Ok, friend.  Let me know when."  The next day I called her again....this time I was at peace with the process.  I was ready.  God had prepared my heart for my loss.  And once it was gone... I was actually OK.   I didn't cry anymore.  I didn't look back.  I decided that if this was part of the journey... I would walk it with dignity.   My wig and turbines have became my friends.  My oldest daughter has even sported some turbines right along with me. :)

Loss.  It can debilitate us, or we can let it teach us how to find hope.   It will throw us curves and bumps in the road.  It is what we do with those bumps that matters.    God's word speaks to us of hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favorite verses.  It says: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

 And I cling to that promise.  I have a future!!  He will not leave me nor forsake me.  No matter how big the bumps are.... He will be there.  He will sustain me.  My life has been forever changed.  But the gains have outweighed the loss.  I don't take my days for granted any more.  I don't muttle through my days without a purpose.  God has shown me that each day matters.  And my hair?......well...now that I have made it through all of my Chemo treatments..... my hair will begin to grow back.  It will take a few months.  But that is OK.... I have time. :)  Time to reflect back on what God has brought me through.  The lessons He has taught me.  And as my hair grows.....so will my faith.

 2 Timothy 1:12 states: 
For which cause I suffer also these things: yet I am not ashamed; for I know him whom I have believed, and I am persuaded that he is able to guard that which I have committed unto him against that day.

And He will.