Just a memory

                                                           Jeremiah 17:14
Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.
     


                                                             Cancer
 Just the mere mention of the word is a life changer.  It changes the way we think....the way we look at life.....the way we eat, the things we take into our bodies,  and the way we approach our future.  It changes the journey.

For some, it is a word that brings fear into being.  That has never been a factor for me.  Don't ask me why.... I am not sure I could tell you.  I like to believe it is because of my faith in God.  I have never questioned why?.....or wondered how I became subject to the disease.  All I knew is that it "was."  And my life was forever changed.

Now that I have been through the Chemo end of the process.... I find myself anxious to move on to the next faze.  I want to know that I am on the "other" side of the journey and headed towards the healing part.  I am thankful that I can say "remember when" in reference to the Chemo treatments.  They were not easy.....and towards the 5th treatment I rebelled and didn't want to participate.  :)  I even tried to talk my daughter Shanna (who accompanied me to every doctor's appt and treatment), to let me call in sick.  She very firmly told me that I "couldn't call in sick when I was going because I WAS sick."   Well....I gave in, reluctantly.... knowing that after this 5th one...there was only one more to go.    At the end of the 6th one, I don't mind telling you that I done a little dance when my 3 hour treatment was over with!  I couldn't wait for my attending nurse to remove that dreaded IV and let me go free!  Now they are just a memory.

In about 19 hours my husband will be home.  I sort of think that at that moment, all will be well with my world.   He has been told by co-workers that if it were them..and their wife was dealing with Chemo treatments...that they would be there..no matter what.  Well....he was right where he needed to be.  Without Insurance coverage, we would be ruined financially.  He needed to remain in his job..and continue on in order for us to survive the mounting costs of my cancer treatments. It hasn't been easy having him gone...for him or for me!  But!..... I am so grateful for his love and support....even if it had to be from afar!   I could not have made it without knowing he was just a phone call away.  His encouragement and words of wisdom gave me the ability to keep looking up.  I owe so much to him and his faith in me.  

In 3 days I will face the biggest challenge of my journey.  I will undergo a 10 hour surgery that will ensure me of being free of breast for the rest of my life.  It isn't any thing new to the medical world....just new to me.  I am not afraid....nor apprehensive in any way.  I have the assurance that "God's got this!"  I have no illusions that it will be an easy road.  I know that I have many long painful days ahead of me.  But I also know that God will heal...and restore.  He has already promised me.  I also know that I have a wonderful support system.  God has placed such awesome people in my path that will help me along the way.  I have learned to let go of certain things.  My yard....(that I take such pride in!)....my house work....my painting projects.....my volunteer hours.....keeping the pool spotless.....and the list goes on!   All those things will be there when I recover.  I pray that through it all I will always remember where God has brought me. To give Him the glory for the healing journey that He has walked with me for the past 6 months.  The next year will require some stamina as well as lots of prayer.  The prayers of friends and family....and the prayers of even those who are strangers to me! 
  I am counting on the prayer part the most!  Without it.... I would not be able to endure.  God has given His promise to walk with me.... I know that I will never walk it alone.   I just need to know that I am being lifted up....to the God who hears....to the God who cares.....to the God who heals!    Prayer.  It changes things.   

And my cancer?  ..........Soon that word too will just be a memory.

Just a bump

It is one of those nights when I cannot sleep.  I try.....only to toss and turn.  So I turn on the light and rise, grab my computer and open up ITunes.  I have a favorite song right now.  One that was sang at my church 2 weeks ago when I was there.  It is Darlene Zschech's #RevealingJesus Project.  What a powerful song!  Friends that I was sitting with told me after the service that the the whole morning was totally for me!  That song was the very first one that opened the mornings worship service. From the very beginning ..God was washing over me with His infinite grace and promises!

I have had a couple of days of events that have tested me.  If I shared with you the things that have transpired in the last week...you would shake your head.  Mainly because the things that have happened have been my own fault.  LOL  I blame it on Chemo brain. :)  No really....for those of you who have experienced Chemo therapy....know it is true.  Sometimes the things I do amaze even me.....level headed.....calm.....not so much the past few days.  I can laugh now.....easier when the catastrophes has passed.  :)

God has shown me a few things though.  Number one.......never take for granted the blessings in your life.   There is an old saying...you never know what you got till it's gone.   I have experienced a few of the "gone" things.   But I know that "things" are just that....things.   Though they can bring you great convenience, once they are gone, they can be replaced.  Sometimes at a cost though.

My hair loss was the hardest thing I have been through.  Being a hairdresser by trade, being told that I would loose all of mine was a blow!  I have never questioned my cancer.  I have never questioned God why?  I have had a peace that He was going to walk this journey with me. 
 But loosing my hair??......that was a BIG one!  I remember feeling a panic.....feeling vulnerable and fearful of just what that would mean for me. I remember crying in my Oncologist's office.....and quickly recovering myself.  My daughter was instantly there to comfort me.  She, of all people, knows what "hair" means to me!   
 I have been a hairdresser since I turned 18.  I had my license 2 weeks out of high school.  I haven't always worked in a salon, but have always kept my license current.  I loved my job when I worked full time.  There is nothing like taking a lady who walked into my cubicle,  who felt ugly and un-attractive and transforming her into someone she could feel good about! To have the power to bring a smile to her face is a feeling I will never get tired of!   A woman's hair (and often a man's as well) is their crowning glory!  It can change a person's whole opinion of themselves.  It truly is a vital part of who we are.

I was told that 2 to 4 weeks after my first Chemo treatment I would begin to experience the loss of my hair.  I didn't panic right away....and tried to come to terms with what that would mean for me.  My oldest daughter told me to make it an adventure.  OK... I thought.  I can do that. :)   Wigs have never been my thing...but maybe it could become something that I could have fun with.  I went to a hairdresser. (the first one in 7 years!) and had my hair cut into a short sassy style.

  I then went to wig shops and tried on wigs that resembled my own hair cut.  I bought one....brought it home and "tweeked" it to fit my face and head shape.  I was pretty pleased with the look.  I put it on the wig stand and let it stay there until that dreadful day that I would need to actually use it!

Three weeks in I began to loose small bits of hair.  As the days progressed it became more and more.  I would stare at the sink and look at the amount collected there and think to myself......soon.  Soon it will be time to accept the fact that I will be bald......all of my hair gone.   I had called my dear friend who is also a hairdresser that I not only worked with but have become best friends with.  I asked her when it was time, would she come to my house and shave my head for me....help me through the transition.  She of course said she would. I hung on till I couldn't hang on any more.
 

It was time.  I was covered in hair each time I showered.  The brush was filled with each stroke.  I sat in a chair in my living room and cried.  For the first time since getting my diagnosis, I sobbed.  I cried until I had no tears left.  I accepted what I could not control.  I was going to be bald.....all of my hair gone.  I called my friend.  I asked her to come by my home the next day....and told her it was time.  She was very compassionate....asking me if I was sure?  I told her yes.  But the next day, I chickened out.  I told her I needed another day.   She said, "Ok, friend.  Let me know when."  The next day I called her again....this time I was at peace with the process.  I was ready.  God had prepared my heart for my loss.  And once it was gone... I was actually OK.   I didn't cry anymore.  I didn't look back.  I decided that if this was part of the journey... I would walk it with dignity.   My wig and turbines have became my friends.  My oldest daughter has even sported some turbines right along with me. :)

Loss.  It can debilitate us, or we can let it teach us how to find hope.   It will throw us curves and bumps in the road.  It is what we do with those bumps that matters.    God's word speaks to us of hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favorite verses.  It says: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

 And I cling to that promise.  I have a future!!  He will not leave me nor forsake me.  No matter how big the bumps are.... He will be there.  He will sustain me.  My life has been forever changed.  But the gains have outweighed the loss.  I don't take my days for granted any more.  I don't muttle through my days without a purpose.  God has shown me that each day matters.  And my hair?......well...now that I have made it through all of my Chemo treatments..... my hair will begin to grow back.  It will take a few months.  But that is OK.... I have time. :)  Time to reflect back on what God has brought me through.  The lessons He has taught me.  And as my hair grows.....so will my faith.

 2 Timothy 1:12 states: 
For which cause I suffer also these things: yet I am not ashamed; for I know him whom I have believed, and I am persuaded that he is able to guard that which I have committed unto him against that day.

And He will.

 

This Journey

                                                This Journey.

I am ready. 

 I started this journey 4 months ago.  No fear.  No thoughts of the "what if."  Just blind trust.  Trust.  That is the way my faith works.  I didn't ask why.  I didn't need to.  

I learned of my prognosis from a doctor who does her job everyday...without the feelings of the person who has to walk out that prognosis.  She was matter of fact.  Just fact.   I listened.  

I had no thoughts.....other than....ok God.  What now?   He led me to a team of wonderful, caring doctors.....who do this everyday for a living....yet they know how to convey hope.  He led me.  That was all I needed to know.

I have learned much over the past 4 months.  Much about trusting more......but also about faith.  I know that I am not alone.  He has given me hope.  More that I already had.   He has assured my heart on more than one occasion that "He's got this!"  And that is all I need to know.  I don't understand all that I have to go through.  How can you till you actually "go through it?"   Living is finding out in the experience.   And trusting..... trusting Him to get you through it.  And I do.  Often times I have been alone....but I am not alone.  He walks it with me everyday.  Being alone at times has been good.....it is in those quiet times that He comes and fills me with a renewed hope... and a knowing that everything will work together for my good.  He has a  plan and a purpose for my life.  And I rest in that promise.

I want my life to make a difference.  Not just for today...but for always.  I want Him to be the light that is seen.  Not me.  I want His love to make the difference.... and it does.

I spent a week at the beach with my family.  As I watched my 3 grandchildren play in the sand and the ocean, my heart soared!  I cried out to Him....and asked to have the blind faith that they showed to me. 

 I watched my 4 year old Grandson experience the majesty of the ocean for the very first time in his life.  At first the sound of the crashing waves frightened him. He didn't trust that he would be safe when that powerful wave connected with his feet.  But with every wave and every assurance that he was safe in our arms.....he began to trust....and know that with our presence he was safe.  He began to trust...and he began to enjoy the majesty and splendor of the ocean.  He taught me another lesson.  As life becomes a bit uncertain and our journey takes us on a  path that requires all of our faith.....trusting the Father to carry us....to hold us steady is the key to being ok.   And I am.   My Grandson was drawn to the ocean.....couldn't get enough of the sand and the salt water.  It covered him...and he didn't care.   As long as we were there where he could see us.....the sound of the ocean no longer scared him....because he knew he was safe.  

I watched my Granddaughter as she raced into the ocean waves.  She loves the ocean.....and cannot wait to head straight into that majestic water, with the waves that crash over her.  She is covered in salt water......and she smiles......comes out of the water...and races back again!  Blind trust. I see the sun shine on her face.....and watch her face as she runs straight for another crashing wave, and  she knows that she is safe.  She has been there before!  I love to watch her as she enjoys the ocean.  She teaches me that blind trust is all I need.

I also watched my 15 month old Grandson as he became more comfortable with the ocean and it's majesty.  He loves the sand....in his hair..in his face......covering his body!  I watched as he sat and  played in the sand.....and I marveled at his being comfortable in that place....covered.  I want to be covered too..... with God's love....like sand.

And so... I will continue on this journey.  One foot in front of the other.  One day at a time.  And I will trust.  Him.   He has my back...and my future in His hands.  Knowing that is all I need to know.   He has given me the grace to hope.  To know.  He has carried me this far.  He will carry me still.