The Fight.

October is "Breast Cancer Awareness" month.  That never meant anything to me before.  Before I had breast cancer.    NOW it means everything!   It belongs to me.  That was my fight not long ago.

I see pink ribbons, and I think...I can relate.  I see testimonies of people that are fighting cancer, or ones from those who have been through the fight and I think, "That was me.  That IS me."

I think back on my journey with breast cancer and have to admit, that today it is more real to me than it was back then.  I think it was God's way of protecting me....keeping me focused on fighting my disease rather than thinking about what it was doing to my body, and what I was going through.  People I hadn't heard from in years contacted me...and would encourage me with their well wishes.  People I didn't know made it a point to speak to me....to tell me they were praying for me.  I was touched by their kindness...but inwardly I could never connect the dots.  I wouldn't let myself think that "I had cancer."  I KNEW God was going to bring me out on the other side healed.  So I choose to live one day at a time... One foot in front of the other.  Some days were harder than others.  But I choose to fight.  Feeling sorry for myself was never an option.
 Enduring Chemo was a big blur for me.  The day of my 11 hour surgery is a bigger blur to me.  The following 5 days in the hospital were a blur.  I didn't I let myself think about what I was going through.  I just knew I had to endure to live. 

And live I did!!!

 I am past my one year mark, and am completely cancer free.  I had a bit of a scare at my one year check up in August though.  They found another lump,  and insisted on doing a biopsy.....and oh....how hard it was to hold it together!!   I thought,  "Oh no...Lord...not again.  I can't do this again!"   I didn't tell anyone, except one confidant.   She is my sister prayer warrior.   I didn't even tell my children or husband.  I knew that I had put them all through a hellish year prior to this one and I was determined to know what I was dealing with before I involved them.  You see, when you are given the diagnosis of CANCER, it isn't just YOU that has to go through that journey.  You take your whole family with you, whether they like it or not.  Some of them go along side you and hold on...others choose to run in the opposite direction, not able to deal with the process. 

To God be the glory though!!...the biopsy came back negative!  Just scar tissue, they said.   That phone call was one I will forever be thankful for!!    Knowing the decisions that I would have been faced with again after having walked that path, was almost more than I knew I could endure!

Today I look back on pictures and I have a hard time seeing myself there.  Was that really me?  Did I really have breast cancer?  Did I really look that bad at times?  Life was hard, that is a fact.   Living it out each day and fighting to stay positive.  Remembering to  keeping my eyes upward, on the One who was walking that journey with me.
I am glad that I have those pictures.  I also have the scars that will never go away.  They will always be there...a reminder that,  Yes.... I had breast cancer.    They will always serve to help me remember.  To not forget.  Because people forget.  Friends forget.  But those of us who have been through the "fight" will never forget. 

I know that God has a plan and a purpose for all of us.  I also believe that He allows us to go through things in life so that we have the "experience" to help others that find themselves in the same situations.  I want to be that person who takes the things I dealt with and help those who have no hope.  Like those who were there for me in my time of need, I want to give back.  I pray God gives me those opportunities.

Life has gone back to some sort of normal.  What ever that is...LOL.   My days are filled with spending tons of time with my grandchildren.  Watching them grow and learn is the joy of my life.  I can never get enough time with them or my children and husband....to share in their every day lives.  That to me is a gift.    And I want to grab a hold of every moment that I can get.  I will never take life for granted.  We aren't promised tomorrow.

Life only happens once.  I want to live it to the fullest.   He promised me that I could the day He healed me of Cancer.
                  
He told me to go, and live!!    I won't disappoint Him. ;)

Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;  his mercies never come to an end; they are new  every morning; great is your faithfulness.

A journey I never choose.

Have you ever taken a trip that you wished you didn't have to be a part of?  Have you ever thought that you would never get to your destination?  I remember taking trips each summer with my family when I was younger.  We were constantly asking that age old question......"Are we there yet?"
Well that is a little of what I have felt like for the past 11 months.   My journey began in March of 2013.  It was a journey that I never ask for,  nor desired to be a part of.  However, when you are told by a physician that you have Cancer, the trip has already been decided for you.  What is expected of you is to jump on board, hold on tight and endure the ride.  And so I did.

I have a faith based belief.  I am a child of God, who believes that God has my best interests at heart.  I trust His wisdom explicitly.   I never questioned my disease.  I never got angry at Him for allowing this ugly thing to invade my body and my life.  I just accepted the diagnosis and decided if this was the path He expected me to walk, then I would walk it with dignity.  I did, however try to barter with Him just a little.  I told Him that if I walked this road that He asked of me...would He make sure that it brought Him glory?

I am glad that I was a bit ignorant of the path that I would have to walk though.  Although I researched the disease thoroughly, there were still things that took me by surprise.  Things I had to endure that I never expected.  I am blessed in that I had a very strong support system.  My husband and children were always there for me, whether physically, or with  words of encouragement.
  With my husband working over seas, my oldest daughter became the person who accompanied me to all of my doctor visits, my treatments and my surgeries.  She was my ears and eyes ...who took in all the knowledge that I found I couldn't quite contain completely.  She had the ability to think things through and look at things a bit more objectively than I did at times.  I am thankful for her giving heart.  I don't know what I would of done without her being with me each time I was given another piece of news that I didn't like.  She kept me calm and grounded.

The toughest part of walking out my diagnosis was loosing my hair.  In the back of my mind, I knew that Cancer patients lost their hair.  They all do.  I just never put two and two together, not realizing it would happen to me too.    When I was told I would have the toughest form of Chemotherapy.... it suddenly dawned on me..... I.was.going.to.loose.my. hair.
 I remember asking my Oncologist, "Am I going to loose my hair??"  To which she very matter of factually replied, "Yes.  All of it."  What a blow!  I actually felt the wind being knocked out of me.  To the average person, loosing your hair would be a hard pill to swallow....but to a veteran hair stylist.....who insists on doing her own hair because she doesn't trust anyone else to do it right, it was the worst news you could possibly hear.  I cried. I panicked.   Then I calmly pulled myself together, took a deep breath and said, "Ok."  I knew that it wouldn't happen immediately.  Research told me that it could happen 2 weeks after the first Chemo treatment, or 2 months out.  I braced myself for the worst.  Or so I thought.

I choose to go to a recommended hairstylist and get a short spunky hair cut.  (first professional one I had paid for in over 10 years!)   I decided to go pretty short.  The less long hair I had to contend with falling out the better.  I loved the look, and thought, why have I never done this before?  I began to see some upside to this thing called Cancer.  I decided to become adventurous...knowing I had nothing to loose.  (Except my hair.)

And so the journey began.  My first treatment wasn't too hard, but did tire me out.  I will never say that Chemo is easy....because it certainly is not.  Not really knowing how it would affect me left me guessing the first week.  I never had any affects of nausea...thank the Lord!  My worst side affect was extreme exhaustion.  Some days I didn't even have the energy to walk from the couch to the kitchen.  The other side affect that became something I dreaded was my not tasting my food.  I had the taste of tin in my mouth for about 2 weeks after each treatment.

My hair began to fall out at 2 weeks post-first treatment.  I tried not to notice.  Tried not to see the hair in my brush.....or the hair on my pillow case....or in the shower.  But it was there.  I talked to a very good friend of mine who is also a hairstylist and asked her to come to my home when I was ready and shave my head for me.  She is such an encourager!  She told me to just call..she would be there when I needed her.

As time went on....the loss became more and more each time I styled my hair.  Eventually, I couldn't ignore it any longer.  I called my friend and ask her to come that afternoon.  She said she would be there.  I panicked and called her back and said to wait!  I wasn't ready.

The next day, the fall out was so severe that I knew there was no use waiting any longer.  Even wearing hats, there was very little hair that you could see.  Whether I was "ready" or not, it was time to take the next step.  I don't mind telling you that I broke down and cried like a baby.  I cried till I had no tears left.  Bald.  No hair.  Cancer.  It was real now.  Reality.  I prayed and the Lord met me right where I was.  He told me He understood.  He told me that it was a process...that one day I would look back and it would only be a memory.  The peace of God surrounded me.

My friend came and shaved my head.  We done it in stages....using a #2 guard....then a # 1 and then a flat guard.  She was very patient with me.   And I found that I was going to be ok.
   I had purchased 2 wigs...determined to look as normal as possible.  I shaped and cut them to match my features and wore them out in public.  I also wore some scarfs on my head, but much preferred the wigs.    I was ready.  My hubby even shaved his head in honor of my journey! 

Each treatment became harder than the last.  By the time I got to the 4th one, they ran an ultra sound to see the progress of the lump.  It had shrunk to smaller than half of the original size!!  I was ecstatic!  My Oncologist told me in the beginning that I would need 4 to 6 treatments.  I was sooooo sure that I would only have to have 4 now that the lump had shrunk to such a small size.  WRONG.  Upon asking if 4 was enough, I was laughed at by her assistant whom I had seen that day.  Her comment was..."NO.......and you all try to get out of treatment too soon.  She said she was sorry, but I would have to have all 6 treatments."  What a blow.  I had convinced myself that I was done.  I was not.
By the 5th treatment, I was not very happy.  I went to my treatment an angry girl.  I did not want to do it all over again.  By the 3rd week after a treatment I would start to feel like myself again.  To have to go back and do it all over again was the LAST thing I wanted to do.  I asked my oldest daughter who accompanied me, "Can I just call in sick?"  Her comment was, "Mama, you ARE sick.  You can't call in sick."  So one more treatment down.  By the 6th one, I was chomping at the bit to get it over with!  The days in the treatment room sometimes would last anywhere from 4 to 8 hours, depending on the activity in the hospital that day.  I prayed and asked God to please let things go well.....and let this be a short 4 hour day.  And He did.  When the beeper went off stating that the treatment was done, I told my treatment nurse to "hurry up and get this IV out of me!!!!"  When she removed it, I don't mind telling you that I done a happy dance right there in the room!

My 11 hour surgery was next.  Bilateral mastectomy with bilateral reconstruction.  The surgery went well.  Recovery went well.  I was told by my Surgeon that it would take a year before I would feel like a normal person again.  I thought to myself... I will never be normal again.  This experience has changed me for the rest of my life.  But I understood what he mean't.  It would take a year for me to fully recover. 

It has been 11 months. ....... 6 Chemo treatments. .......and 5 Surgeries.   Life is getting back to "normal."  It has been a long journey.  And each day is one more day to be thankful for living and being healthy.  I don't take that for granted any more.  I know that life can change in a moment.

And my hair is growing back!  I have discovered that the longer it gets...the curlier it becomes.  I look at myself in the mirror and I think of my father.  :)  He had curly/wavy hair.  Now mine is too.  It took some time to become brave enough to be seen in public without the wig.  I am tired of hiding behind it.  It served it's purpose while I was bald....but I am ready to face the new me. 

As the days become months, I will look forward to the changes that will come as it grows back out.  I have tons of options of what to do with it!  I think that I will choose to make even this phase of my journey an adventure!

Just a memory

                                                           Jeremiah 17:14
Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.
     


                                                             Cancer
 Just the mere mention of the word is a life changer.  It changes the way we think....the way we look at life.....the way we eat, the things we take into our bodies,  and the way we approach our future.  It changes the journey.

For some, it is a word that brings fear into being.  That has never been a factor for me.  Don't ask me why.... I am not sure I could tell you.  I like to believe it is because of my faith in God.  I have never questioned why?.....or wondered how I became subject to the disease.  All I knew is that it "was."  And my life was forever changed.

Now that I have been through the Chemo end of the process.... I find myself anxious to move on to the next faze.  I want to know that I am on the "other" side of the journey and headed towards the healing part.  I am thankful that I can say "remember when" in reference to the Chemo treatments.  They were not easy.....and towards the 5th treatment I rebelled and didn't want to participate.  :)  I even tried to talk my daughter Shanna (who accompanied me to every doctor's appt and treatment), to let me call in sick.  She very firmly told me that I "couldn't call in sick when I was going because I WAS sick."   Well....I gave in, reluctantly.... knowing that after this 5th one...there was only one more to go.    At the end of the 6th one, I don't mind telling you that I done a little dance when my 3 hour treatment was over with!  I couldn't wait for my attending nurse to remove that dreaded IV and let me go free!  Now they are just a memory.

In about 19 hours my husband will be home.  I sort of think that at that moment, all will be well with my world.   He has been told by co-workers that if it were them..and their wife was dealing with Chemo treatments...that they would be there..no matter what.  Well....he was right where he needed to be.  Without Insurance coverage, we would be ruined financially.  He needed to remain in his job..and continue on in order for us to survive the mounting costs of my cancer treatments. It hasn't been easy having him gone...for him or for me!  But!..... I am so grateful for his love and support....even if it had to be from afar!   I could not have made it without knowing he was just a phone call away.  His encouragement and words of wisdom gave me the ability to keep looking up.  I owe so much to him and his faith in me.  

In 3 days I will face the biggest challenge of my journey.  I will undergo a 10 hour surgery that will ensure me of being free of breast for the rest of my life.  It isn't any thing new to the medical world....just new to me.  I am not afraid....nor apprehensive in any way.  I have the assurance that "God's got this!"  I have no illusions that it will be an easy road.  I know that I have many long painful days ahead of me.  But I also know that God will heal...and restore.  He has already promised me.  I also know that I have a wonderful support system.  God has placed such awesome people in my path that will help me along the way.  I have learned to let go of certain things.  My yard....(that I take such pride in!)....my house work....my painting projects.....my volunteer hours.....keeping the pool spotless.....and the list goes on!   All those things will be there when I recover.  I pray that through it all I will always remember where God has brought me. To give Him the glory for the healing journey that He has walked with me for the past 6 months.  The next year will require some stamina as well as lots of prayer.  The prayers of friends and family....and the prayers of even those who are strangers to me! 
  I am counting on the prayer part the most!  Without it.... I would not be able to endure.  God has given His promise to walk with me.... I know that I will never walk it alone.   I just need to know that I am being lifted up....to the God who hears....to the God who cares.....to the God who heals!    Prayer.  It changes things.   

And my cancer?  ..........Soon that word too will just be a memory.

Just a bump

It is one of those nights when I cannot sleep.  I try.....only to toss and turn.  So I turn on the light and rise, grab my computer and open up ITunes.  I have a favorite song right now.  One that was sang at my church 2 weeks ago when I was there.  It is Darlene Zschech's #RevealingJesus Project.  What a powerful song!  Friends that I was sitting with told me after the service that the the whole morning was totally for me!  That song was the very first one that opened the mornings worship service. From the very beginning ..God was washing over me with His infinite grace and promises!

I have had a couple of days of events that have tested me.  If I shared with you the things that have transpired in the last week...you would shake your head.  Mainly because the things that have happened have been my own fault.  LOL  I blame it on Chemo brain. :)  No really....for those of you who have experienced Chemo therapy....know it is true.  Sometimes the things I do amaze even me.....level headed.....calm.....not so much the past few days.  I can laugh now.....easier when the catastrophes has passed.  :)

God has shown me a few things though.  Number one.......never take for granted the blessings in your life.   There is an old saying...you never know what you got till it's gone.   I have experienced a few of the "gone" things.   But I know that "things" are just that....things.   Though they can bring you great convenience, once they are gone, they can be replaced.  Sometimes at a cost though.

My hair loss was the hardest thing I have been through.  Being a hairdresser by trade, being told that I would loose all of mine was a blow!  I have never questioned my cancer.  I have never questioned God why?  I have had a peace that He was going to walk this journey with me. 
 But loosing my hair??......that was a BIG one!  I remember feeling a panic.....feeling vulnerable and fearful of just what that would mean for me. I remember crying in my Oncologist's office.....and quickly recovering myself.  My daughter was instantly there to comfort me.  She, of all people, knows what "hair" means to me!   
 I have been a hairdresser since I turned 18.  I had my license 2 weeks out of high school.  I haven't always worked in a salon, but have always kept my license current.  I loved my job when I worked full time.  There is nothing like taking a lady who walked into my cubicle,  who felt ugly and un-attractive and transforming her into someone she could feel good about! To have the power to bring a smile to her face is a feeling I will never get tired of!   A woman's hair (and often a man's as well) is their crowning glory!  It can change a person's whole opinion of themselves.  It truly is a vital part of who we are.

I was told that 2 to 4 weeks after my first Chemo treatment I would begin to experience the loss of my hair.  I didn't panic right away....and tried to come to terms with what that would mean for me.  My oldest daughter told me to make it an adventure.  OK... I thought.  I can do that. :)   Wigs have never been my thing...but maybe it could become something that I could have fun with.  I went to a hairdresser. (the first one in 7 years!) and had my hair cut into a short sassy style.

  I then went to wig shops and tried on wigs that resembled my own hair cut.  I bought one....brought it home and "tweeked" it to fit my face and head shape.  I was pretty pleased with the look.  I put it on the wig stand and let it stay there until that dreadful day that I would need to actually use it!

Three weeks in I began to loose small bits of hair.  As the days progressed it became more and more.  I would stare at the sink and look at the amount collected there and think to myself......soon.  Soon it will be time to accept the fact that I will be bald......all of my hair gone.   I had called my dear friend who is also a hairdresser that I not only worked with but have become best friends with.  I asked her when it was time, would she come to my house and shave my head for me....help me through the transition.  She of course said she would. I hung on till I couldn't hang on any more.
 

It was time.  I was covered in hair each time I showered.  The brush was filled with each stroke.  I sat in a chair in my living room and cried.  For the first time since getting my diagnosis, I sobbed.  I cried until I had no tears left.  I accepted what I could not control.  I was going to be bald.....all of my hair gone.  I called my friend.  I asked her to come by my home the next day....and told her it was time.  She was very compassionate....asking me if I was sure?  I told her yes.  But the next day, I chickened out.  I told her I needed another day.   She said, "Ok, friend.  Let me know when."  The next day I called her again....this time I was at peace with the process.  I was ready.  God had prepared my heart for my loss.  And once it was gone... I was actually OK.   I didn't cry anymore.  I didn't look back.  I decided that if this was part of the journey... I would walk it with dignity.   My wig and turbines have became my friends.  My oldest daughter has even sported some turbines right along with me. :)

Loss.  It can debilitate us, or we can let it teach us how to find hope.   It will throw us curves and bumps in the road.  It is what we do with those bumps that matters.    God's word speaks to us of hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favorite verses.  It says: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

 And I cling to that promise.  I have a future!!  He will not leave me nor forsake me.  No matter how big the bumps are.... He will be there.  He will sustain me.  My life has been forever changed.  But the gains have outweighed the loss.  I don't take my days for granted any more.  I don't muttle through my days without a purpose.  God has shown me that each day matters.  And my hair?......well...now that I have made it through all of my Chemo treatments..... my hair will begin to grow back.  It will take a few months.  But that is OK.... I have time. :)  Time to reflect back on what God has brought me through.  The lessons He has taught me.  And as my hair grows.....so will my faith.

 2 Timothy 1:12 states: 
For which cause I suffer also these things: yet I am not ashamed; for I know him whom I have believed, and I am persuaded that he is able to guard that which I have committed unto him against that day.

And He will.

 

This Journey

                                                This Journey.

I am ready. 

 I started this journey 4 months ago.  No fear.  No thoughts of the "what if."  Just blind trust.  Trust.  That is the way my faith works.  I didn't ask why.  I didn't need to.  

I learned of my prognosis from a doctor who does her job everyday...without the feelings of the person who has to walk out that prognosis.  She was matter of fact.  Just fact.   I listened.  

I had no thoughts.....other than....ok God.  What now?   He led me to a team of wonderful, caring doctors.....who do this everyday for a living....yet they know how to convey hope.  He led me.  That was all I needed to know.

I have learned much over the past 4 months.  Much about trusting more......but also about faith.  I know that I am not alone.  He has given me hope.  More that I already had.   He has assured my heart on more than one occasion that "He's got this!"  And that is all I need to know.  I don't understand all that I have to go through.  How can you till you actually "go through it?"   Living is finding out in the experience.   And trusting..... trusting Him to get you through it.  And I do.  Often times I have been alone....but I am not alone.  He walks it with me everyday.  Being alone at times has been good.....it is in those quiet times that He comes and fills me with a renewed hope... and a knowing that everything will work together for my good.  He has a  plan and a purpose for my life.  And I rest in that promise.

I want my life to make a difference.  Not just for today...but for always.  I want Him to be the light that is seen.  Not me.  I want His love to make the difference.... and it does.

I spent a week at the beach with my family.  As I watched my 3 grandchildren play in the sand and the ocean, my heart soared!  I cried out to Him....and asked to have the blind faith that they showed to me. 

 I watched my 4 year old Grandson experience the majesty of the ocean for the very first time in his life.  At first the sound of the crashing waves frightened him. He didn't trust that he would be safe when that powerful wave connected with his feet.  But with every wave and every assurance that he was safe in our arms.....he began to trust....and know that with our presence he was safe.  He began to trust...and he began to enjoy the majesty and splendor of the ocean.  He taught me another lesson.  As life becomes a bit uncertain and our journey takes us on a  path that requires all of our faith.....trusting the Father to carry us....to hold us steady is the key to being ok.   And I am.   My Grandson was drawn to the ocean.....couldn't get enough of the sand and the salt water.  It covered him...and he didn't care.   As long as we were there where he could see us.....the sound of the ocean no longer scared him....because he knew he was safe.  

I watched my Granddaughter as she raced into the ocean waves.  She loves the ocean.....and cannot wait to head straight into that majestic water, with the waves that crash over her.  She is covered in salt water......and she smiles......comes out of the water...and races back again!  Blind trust. I see the sun shine on her face.....and watch her face as she runs straight for another crashing wave, and  she knows that she is safe.  She has been there before!  I love to watch her as she enjoys the ocean.  She teaches me that blind trust is all I need.

I also watched my 15 month old Grandson as he became more comfortable with the ocean and it's majesty.  He loves the sand....in his hair..in his face......covering his body!  I watched as he sat and  played in the sand.....and I marveled at his being comfortable in that place....covered.  I want to be covered too..... with God's love....like sand.

And so... I will continue on this journey.  One foot in front of the other.  One day at a time.  And I will trust.  Him.   He has my back...and my future in His hands.  Knowing that is all I need to know.   He has given me the grace to hope.  To know.  He has carried me this far.  He will carry me still.

It matters

Today I learned that communication works.  Have you ever had something that has bothered you and you bottled it up...hoping it would go away instead of dealing with it head on?  I have a tendency to be that person.  Confrontation is never easy for me.    But this past week I experienced a situation that brought me to my knees.  God told me to "deal with it."  And so I did.  And God met me there.  I am so very thankful that His word is forever true.  He said to bring your burdens to Him...to lean on Him...that his yoke is easy and His burden light.  I am lighter of spirit today because He met me right where I was.

Relationships are worth it.  Taking the extra steps to preserve those relationships that sometimes fall on rocky soil is worth it.  In volunteering you are put into circles with every kind of personality and beliefs.  Letting God be the center of that circle is the secret to doing effective ministry.  Are we always right?.....nope.  And that is the key.  Letting God grow us is the answer to becoming the person He means for us to be.  And knowing that every day is a learning process is the key to being effective.

I want to be who He designed for me to be.  I want to make a difference.  I want to count.  Lord....lead me always.  Guide me to being a blessing to all I come into contact with.  Let your light so shine before those I come in contact with....that they may see YOUR good works and glorify YOU!